Best Lover - Not A Moment Too Soon
Embracing Teenage Sexualiy
What Parenting Experts are Saying About "Best Lover"
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Embracing Teenage Sexuality

“Adults have a hard time accepting kids becoming sexual beings.”

Teenagers coming into adolescence today are seeing themselves falsely reflected in a hall of distorted mirrors. On the one hand there is the exploitative world of popular culture, MTV and the Internet. On the other hand, an increasingly negative moralism frowns into the complex depths of teen sexuality with prohibitive advice and harsh warnings of lives ruined. Teenagers are cast into a medieval polarization where carnal temptation is pitted against woeful predictions of disaster. Offering little support, the education system avoids sexuality, and even faces many stringent limits against encouraging open discussion. But what is a teen to do when “teen” is the most commonly promoted category in the vast universe of Internet pornography? When billboards warn of pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease? When every television advertisement suggests that all interaction between young men and women is, or should be sexual?

At best we ignore the changes that happen in our sons, our grandsons, nephews, pupils, the kids we coach in sports, or teach in class. We look the other way, mumble about condoms, exchange knowing glances or nudge-nudge jokes across the dining table, usually about, not to our changeling youth. At worst, whether from a religious standpoint or just a fearful one, we moralize and shame teenagers into feeling bad about their bodies and natural sexual feelings before they have even had a chance to get used to them. In truth, the sexuality of adolescent teens is an embarrassment to us, and worse, with cultural habituation, we attempt to control everything sexual our teens might do, with guilt.

And popular culture doesn’t help – the commercialized worlds of T.V., music, advertising, the film industry, and especially the all-too-accessible Internet – is entirely geared towards the wholesale endorsement of sexist, unfeeling, narcissistic, commodified copulation. Sex as a lifestyle accessory that you must have to be socially adequate, something you must acquire to look good, but not something you need to feel.

No one embraces the dilemma that teens face. Sexuality is either avoided or exploited. And so Howard Schiffer’s new book How to be the Best Lover: A Guide for Teenage Boys, is not just a rare voice, it is the only book on the market to positively acknowledge the challenges of male teenage sexuality with care and consciousness. Nowhere else is it recognized that sex, for teens as well as adults, is a tempting reality that will have to be negotiated by all. This absence of positive reflection of something natural and universal is so dismal, that we have to wonder if we have been handling the phenomenon of teenage sexuality in the wrong way.

Thankfully, Howard.Schiffer takes a realistic, competent look at this subject, and brings it out into the open. He does this by talking to, not about, teenage males and their emergent, sexuality. But he doesn’t patronize the generation he is addressing. Nor does he deny any of the reality of having a river of raging hormones coursing through your body, or over-moralize about rights, wrongs, and things to feel guilty about. “Guys have powerful sexual urges, and feeling horny is wonderful,” writes Schiffer, opening the dialog with an honest statement of recognition that buys him credibility with his young audience.

The advantage Mr. Schiffer gives parents with this book that talks to teenagers about sex without shaming, is firstly, that the parent who shares this book with them stands a chance of having a meaningful dialog with their teens. This alone is hugely significant, as parents will agree. Secondly, this dialog helps to empower teens to act responsibly. By addressing teenagers as functioning, self-determined beings, Schiffer lets them know that they are in charge of their destiny, and takes this vantage point to draw their attention to the consequences, beneficial and detrimental, of their sexual behaviors. And he does this in a language that they can hear.

As a very natural extension of recognizing the responsibility that teens have over their own lives and bodies, Schiffer sees, and validates, the emotions that are part of an emerging adult sexuality. As his book title suggests, Best Lover encourages young males to be aware of their emotional responses to being with partners in an intimate way, from even wanting to hold hands, and onwards. Any adult who was really present for their own pubescent journey into touch and connection with the opposite sex knows that there is a very strong emotional aspect to sexual beginnings, and Schiffer encourages reflection upon these emotions as a compass to guide the young lover. “If you are shy about dancing with a girl, are you really ready to be naked and vulnerable in front of her?” he asks, encouraging the deeper self-knowledge that leads to making fully conscious decisions. In this way he draws the reader's attention to the all too true, and often harrowing aspect of young sexual exploration that can be devastating for so many boys as well as girls. “Being lovers (Schiffer means on any level of intimacy) is a centerpiece of being in love. It is only one component, but it can unleash your fantasies, fears, passion, uncertainty, and desire… you have to know when you are ready for this.”

Schiffer addresses the individuality and frequent loneliness of sexual awareness, yet implicitly lets his young readers know that they are not alone - that what they are experiencing has been experienced by others. He does not mean to divide his audience by suggesting that there can be a “Best” in Best Lover. He is not advocating a competitive spirit among young males, though perhaps that title touches upon the adolescent ego just enough to arouse the thrill of courtship. No, Best refers to the best lover a young man can be – meaning the best, most romantic, most appropriate, most respectful, most tender, most sensual and “best” in terms of what a female might want from her boyfriend. “Being great in bed,” writes Schiffer, usefully, “always means combining some technical know-how with the openness, honesty, caring, and sensitivity to make a real connection.”

Rather than encourage sexual gymnastics, Schiffer explores ways in which teenage males can get in touch with their changing bodies and emotional states, encouraging them to be self-knowing enough to make responsible decisions for their own well-being. The advantages of teens connecting with their physical selves are many, as Schiffer points out—an increased depth of sensation and emotional connection to others, a learned sense of responsibility through appreciation of the power of and potential of sex to change lives forever, the reward of responsible behavior and compassion in terms of self-esteem, and the joy of being active and discriminating, rather than passive, in the operation of a new, and more sexually exciting body. While Schiffer acknowledges the joy of youthful sexual feelings, what he doesn’t do is advocate promiscuity, or even sexual exploration, as the only option open to the hormone-addled teen. Instead, he works with the reality that most adolescents are going to be at least curious, and tries, by talking directly to the changing teen, to direct their attention towards increased knowledge, and towards options, always pointing out the pitfalls of acting too quickly or avoiding responsibility. He also gives plenty of information about the adverse consequences of neglecting to consider pregnancy or venereal disease.

It’s not a day too soon, this book by Howard Schiffer. It is in fact, precisely what the times call for, a bridging of the cultural extremes of avoidance or exploitation of teenage sex. We know enough about psychology, biology and sociology to offer useful information to our young members of society. Yet caught between political correctness, the lack of control that parents feel, the constant bludgeoning with permissive and constrictive messages, and the hampering of useful information by increasingly fear-based government policies, teenagers are thrust into a schizophrenic environment. The incoherent babble of these messages offers the teenager nothing useful, only opportunities to feel inadequate. If we wish for teens to act responsibly – for their own sakes, not for ours – then we must empower them to learn everything about their own bodies and make informed, not impulsive nor guilt-driven choices. With education and support, teenagers have a better chance of higher self-regard and less out-of-control circumstances. How to be the Best Lover: A Guide for Teenage Boys by Howard Schiffer speaks to this self-aware adolescent, but also to his parents and caregivers. Together, he encourages, a meaningful relationship can be forged in which the parent offers understanding and supports meaningful decision-making – better surely than the hit-or-miss desperation of moral disapproval in the hope of keeping kids safe. As Schiffer correctly implies, teenagers are going to start learning who they are and how they relate to sex whether we like it or not. Let’s help them do it wisely.

Note: Available for reprint in whole or part with permission
(contact howard@heartfullovingpress.com).