Best Lover - Not A Moment Too Soon
Embracing Teenage Sexualiy
What Parenting Experts are Saying About "Best Lover"
Q&A
Press Release

Beyond The Sex Talk:

How To Be The Best Lover: A Guide For Teenage Boys (Heartful Loving Press, 2004) is the first book about sex and intimacy written especially for teenage boys. Lover is a sensitive and comprehensive bridge between the basics of “Sex 101” information books and adult technique manuals. Here, author Howard B. Schiffer answers questions about this groundbreaking new publication.

Q. Why did you write How To Be The Best Lover: A Guide For Teenage Boys?

Schiffer: When my son was coming of age, I came up with a list of things I knew I needed to cover with him. He was going from a small private school to a large public school, and I wanted to make sure he had the information to make good decisions. There was also that sense of what a dad is supposed to tell his son as he’s coming of age.

My list included smoking, drinking, drugs and -- sex. The first three were pretty easy. I found someone from the American Lung Association to come talk to his class about smoking. Then I found a rehabilitation program for teenage addicts and got these kids to come and share some powerful stories at his school. But with sex, I kept putting it off.

Finally, after six months, I realized that I was avoiding it just because it was so uncomfortable and embarrassing. We ended up having “The Talk,” but what I thought was going to take an hour ended up taking six months. It was an incredible experience; it really opened the door to intimacy for my son and me. It served as a major transition in our relationship and brought us even closer. That talk was the inspiration for Lover.

Q. What inspired the title How To Be The Best Lover: A Guide For Teenage Boys?

Schiffer: When I started writing Lover I thought back to when I was 13 years old, remembering an experience I had kept hidden. At some point I got it in my head that there must be one woman in the world who was the “Best Lover.” I became obsessed with thinking about who this might be and imagining her and dreaming about making love with her. When I started writing Lover I recounted this story and amused myself thinking back to how, as a teenager, I could be enamored with this mythical being, now knowing that anyone can be the “Best Lover” if they are willing to reveal themselves, see their lover, and learn some basic skills

Q. What is the focus of this book? Is it a technique book?

Schiffer: Technique is usually focused on one of two things, the mechanics of sex or the expressive side of it. In the mechanical sense, Lover does not shy away from telling teenage boys the details about opening the door to creative lovemaking, about the secrets of being spontaneous with sex, or about oral sex (while of course stressing the importance of safe sex). But I also write about technique in the manner of artistic expression, as in painting or music. In this way, Lover focuses on communication, honesty and opening your heart as the essential skills necessary to becoming the best lover, pointing to the magic that can happen when you’re really connected to another person on this level.

Q. Why is this book important?

Schiffer: As Peggy O’Mara, editor and publisher of Mothering magazine said, “Who before has ever dared to tell teenage boys the deep truth about lovemaking? [Your] courage breaks down stereotypes and provides real information that inspires individuals, strengthens relationships and protects families.” Lover is the first book that teaches teenage boys the heart and soul of being the best lover. We’re losing our teenagers to the fast lane of sex and no one is saying, “Stop.” This book is an alternative, a voice against everything and everyone portraying sex as trivial, inconsequential, forbidden or crude.

Q. Weren’t there other books out there when you began talking with your son about sex?

Schiffer: There were some great elementary books, what I call Sex 101, or the ABC books. These are the basic primers, what a sex ed class in school might use. Some are pretty clinical and almost embarrassing in their sterile explanations of sex. Others are pretty good, and my son and I actually used one as an outline to begin our discussions.

The other books out there are adult technique books. I realized there was nothing available to fill the vast gulf between these two extremes. On the most obvious level, none of these books talked about relationships, about how you get from point A to point B. How do you go from getting excited about a girl in your biology class to being sexual? What’s the progression? No one was talking about the rules for intimacy, or the “Danger Zones” or how you know when you’re ready and your girlfriend is ready. I remembered how clueless I was as a young teen and how I would have loved to have a book that really told me what was going on. Lover is really the book I always wanted when I was a teenager.

Q. Why don’t all parents talk to their teenagers about the real issues in sex?

Schiffer: It’s a combination of things. The most obvious is embarrassment, because it’s uncomfortable. Most of us were never talked to when we were kids; it was something our parents thought we would “figure out for ourselves.” When my dad was ready to have “The Talk” with me, he stopped me in the dining room one day (as my mom suddenly disappeared into the kitchen) and said, “Well I think it’s time we had a little talk about sex.” Without hesitation I responded, “So what do you want to know?” And that was the end of our discussion. So we have no experience on even how to do this.

Parents sometimes get caught between the positions of “just say no,” maybe for religious or moral reasons, and “they already know.” Either way, they end up not talking with their kids about sex. The truth is that there’s a biological force here that is driving kids into their sexuality and without good information they are vulnerable to risky and reckless behavior.

Q. Can’t kids be coached into overcoming their physical drives?

Schiffer: Yes, but everything in the culture is pushing them toward being sexual. Look at their clothes, and how revealing they are; listen to the music and hear what it’s about; look at magazines and television and see that sex is selling everything from clothes to cars; watch a movie or surf the Internet -- it’s inescapable.

If we don’t educate our kids about sexuality, the culture will. That’s the bottom line. My perspective is that this is an opportunity for parents to get closer to their kids and give them good information so they know what the opportunities are, what the responsibilities are, and what the consequences are. With this information, kids can and will make better decisions. Leave any of it out, and you will be less credible in their eyes and they won’t have the resources they need when they’re confronted with a real life situation.

Q. It doesn’t sound like you are advocating abstinence, but are you recommending indulgence?

Schiffer: Actually I’m not against abstinence and I’m not for indulgence, I’m for intelligence. For many teens abstinence may be the wisest choice. I’m just saying give them the information so they can know why they’re making this decision. Forcing total abstinence on them as their only option is just not realistic. The biological drive is too strong and the culture is too dominant – you need to give them good information so they can make the right decisions.

Q. Peggy O’Mara of Mothering magazine has commented that this book strengthens families. How does Lover do that, and what is the opportunity here for parents?

Schiffer: Adolescence is the time for kids to break away from their parents. Much of this is natural. It’s time for them to establish their own identity. A lot of teenage clothes, music and language is about just that -- it’s theirs! Parents often get caught up in these outward appearances and buy into the separation. They forget to see the vulnerable kid underneath who is struggling desperately to fit in and figure out what is going on. This is the opportunity that is lost. Kids need their own identity and they need us to help them in this major transition. We get to grow with them, move our relationship with them to a new level and see their beauty as they unfold.

Q. Their “beauty?” I would think many parents wouldn’t use that adjective. Teenagers seem scary!

Schiffer: I think our kids are powerful and beautiful, and it is the combination of the two that can be so frightening to parents. Teenagers are aware of their sexuality and the power they have and they are just starting to play with it. Adults have a hard time accepting teenagers becoming sexual beings. As teenagers try on new identities and behaviors, they need our help to identify safe guidelines and boundaries.

Q. Is How To Be A Great Lover: A Guide For Teenage Boys written for teenagers or for parents?

Schiffer: Lover is written for teenage boys. The language is direct, not clinical or medical. I am talking to teenagers about what they are going through. At the same time, this book opens a door for parents. Just as I honestly share what I went through as a teenager, Lover can help parents to reveal themselves to their kids and get much closer to them in the process.

Q. The title says “A Guide For Teenage Boys.” Is this book just for teenage boys?

Schiffer: Interestingly enough, some of the first people to read and review Lover were teenage girls. They came back to me ecstatic, saying they were glad that “somebody wrote about the real stuff involved in being sexual.” For teenage girls, Lover confirms that the things that are important to them, like connection, sharing, fun, and seeing who the other person is, are all essential requirements to being the best lover. Many teenage girls have contacted me and said they are giving Lover to all of their boyfriends from now on! I’ve also had a lot of moms contact me to say they were giving Lover to their husbands and their sons!

Q. How much about their own experience should parents reveal?

Schiffer: Every parent has to choose. I tell parents to be circumspect and reveal a little bit at a time. The first step for a parent is honestly looking at your own life and seeing what worked and what didn’t, and what lessons you have learned. Then break the cycle of ignorance or abuse or misinformation. It’s a chance to reestablish the eldership, and tell kids something of value that can really help them to navigate through life.

If you got pregnant when you were sixteen, you need to let them know how that happened, why you made that decision and what impact it had on your life. Maybe you don’t need to describe a drunken night of wild sex and all of the details around it, but tell your teenager about who you were then, what you were feeling and what led you to make certain decisions. This might mean revealing that you were not the person you are today, possibly shocking your teen. But to just say “Don’t get pregnant, I don’t want you to screw up your life,” doesn’t tell them much. Fill in the details. You’re giving them a gift.

Q. Aren’t most kids these days already sexually active by junior high?

Schiffer: Television and sex talk shows on radio give the impression that many teenagers are having oral sex by junior high. My research strongly suggests that this doesn’t reflect the way most teenagers live. It is true that by the tenth grade, about 40 percent of kids say they’ve had sex, and the figure goes up about 10 percent per grade. But it’s important to remember that 40 percent who do means 60 percent don’t.

These numbers also don’t account for kids who try sex once and then decide they’re not really ready. And none of these numbers address the most important issue: What could they know? Maybe they know the mechanics, maybe they’ve even had sex once or a few times, but what about getting really close to another person? What about knowing you are both enjoying yourselves? What about not getting stuck in one type of sex? Many parents use the statistics about teenage sexuality to avoid beginning the real conversation.

Q. Isn’t it overstepping our bounds for parents to initiate a sexual dialogue with children?

Schiffer: With so many things in life, from driver’s education, to music lessons, to SAT prep classes, we try to give our kids the right information to be able to perform optimally and achieve their goals. Yet with sex and relationships we largely have a hands-off attitude. At best, some parents will toss a book at their kids. Yet our relationships are often at the core of what makes life worth living, and sexuality can be a key component in healthy relationships.

The truth is that we can’t be with our kids as they enter this space, they have to do it themselves. But we can walk them up to the door and say “Well, you might be going in here at some point and you’re going to have to make certain decisions and there are implications depending on what you decide, so I want you to know the basics.” You’re giving them a map of the landscape, a chance to have healthy relationships and to make better choices. That’s what Lover is really all about. This book gives teenagers the information to make better decisions as they enter the world of their sexuality.

Q. Is there a next book?

Schiffer: By the time Lover was being written I already knew another book was needed. My son entered high school and immediately had a girlfriend who was a senior. I wanted Austin to hear a wide range of voices from people in different countries, different cultures and from different economic backgrounds on their first sexual encounters. I knew my lone voice was no longer enough. I knew he needed to hear the other half of the conversation, from women and what it was like for them as teenagers when boys were dying to have sex with them. I wanted him to see the choices people made surrounding sex when they were young and how it impacted their lives. And most of all I wanted him to know that he wasn’t alone in what he was going through. I interviewed people from around the world about their first time having sex, their first time making love and their first romances. First Love / Remembrances is the companion book to Lover.